why don't you find out for yourself?

egotistical nonsense, you are probably not interested at all. i've been thinking about me. my ability to push people away, never letting them in, letting them feel i'm good for nothing but a couple of pints, if even that. i relate to weepy song lyrics rather than people because i see people as possible enemies rather than friends. i'm sure you don't wonder why, if you've even come this far, but i might as well continue, if i'm gonna whine i might as well do it properly.

i'm scared of making a fool out of myself, to stretch out a hand and wait for the hurt that will surely come. i never admit to my self loathing, or my self loving. of my desire to escape, but how the fear of losing whatever grip i have holds me back. how i feel it's not enough to take part in the revolution, as history only remembers the leaders. i can't believe i'm embarrassing enough to write that. that i see a life as someone unimportant as a waste, as a hopeless search of nothing at all, that i might as well be dead as pass by unnoticed. still i try my best not to make an impression, push you away when you get close to my weaknesses, although i've said so many times that it's the cons, not the pros, that make a person who he/she is. i don't want everyone to know that at times i find my own reflection so repulsing i'd rather be blind than see it. that sometimes agony hits me so hard i just want to crawl into fetal position and cry my eyes out, but i don't because i'm cold and unfeeling. i'm trapped between my knowing, and contempt, that people have so much shorter to talking than listening, and my wish that sometime someone would want to hear me out. and then i wonder what i think i've got to say that is worth being heard. at times i hear myself rant and just wish i knew how to shut the fuck up, yet i keep going. like now.

oh, and on other notes: due to my escalating sluttiness today i start my new life in celibacy. because it worked out so well for the catholics.