trying to wake the dead

i've forgotten about the release that is a blog. it's been so long. i haven't really had time. it's been too much. a lot of crap and a couple of smiles in between. what suprises me is that i can deal with all of that, but when it's all over, when it finally looks like it's gonna be ok i hit the wall. the substantial is not the hardest part. when there's something that needs to be fixed, hearts in need of mending, people in need of comfort, blood to bleed - i can do that. when it's all settling i die a little bit. it's like there's something inside my body trying to get out, and i just won't let it, it's like i wanna lie down and just cry my fucking eyes out but i can't because now life is good and i need to get on with it, it's like i only live when everything is miserable, when it's bright outside i shut down. my mum visited this weekend, leaving after herself a separation anxiety that's eating me inside out. i think my bipolarity will eventually kill me. just saying.