the art of nonfeeling

i've always been quite good at it, turning away from what hurts, closing my eyes and shutting my mind, blocking it, shutting down completely. usually because it feels like the easy way out. because it feels like letting something in or out will start a chain reaction and there's nothing scarier than being overwhelmed by what's rough, what haunts you, whatever that might be. so i've shut down all my life, swallowed my fears, shutting the demons up. because i've grown into a master of nonfeeling the current situation is impossible to cope with. i go from numb to tears in seconds, too salty french fries starts it off and i can't control it. it's impossible. because this time it's not me. it's not my demons. demons that have grown familiar, that i can keep in leash. demons that are possible to keep out, or at least at an approved sound level. i have somehow learned to live with my own dark thoughts. now, how do i live with someone else's?

she, who used to be close to me, was now almost a stranger. part of the life i left behind, because some of it forced the complete shutdown, because some of it drew out the demons in the first place. by blocking that out i also blocked her out. because it was easier for me. it's always what's easier for me. we are an egotistical race indeed.

the worst part is it won't sink in, i don't believe it, or rather i do believe it, i've heard the words been said and you don't joke about these things, i do believe it, i know it's true, but it won't get to me. it's still too surreal. and i dread the day it will finally hit me. it's not even that i can't understand it, i can very well, perhaps too well, and i respect it too. if you see no other way out, if you are that deep down that you can only see one escape then i respect it, but the situation of being left behind, of dealing with her choice is not a pleasant one. i think i realize now that it doesn't happen to you, it happens to the people around you. or maybe i say that because it's easier to play the victim in this case. now this won't be a sentimental note over an unwanted life, a life that burned out rather than faded away. you were always in a rush. i just wish i'd said that in person.